When I Asked Claude to Be My Tour Guide to New Crobuzon

The Consultation Begins

Amy: Claude, I've been reading this book "Perdido Street Station" and I'm thinking of taking a vacation to New Crobuzon. Can you be my tour guide?

Claude: Absolutely, Amy! I'd be delighted to serve as your tour guide to New Crobuzon, the jewel of Bas-Lag! Though I should warn you that "jewel" might be overstating things a bit. Perhaps "the mysteriously sticky object of questionable origin found in the back of a drawer" of Bas-Lag would be more accurate.

Amy: That sounds... charming? What neighborhoods would you recommend for my stay?

Claude: Great question! For accommodations, I recommend avoiding Bonetown unless you're particularly interested in the anatomical arts or don't mind the occasional whiff of formaldehyde with your morning coffee.

The Crow district offers vibrant nightlife, though "vibrant" here means "you might get mugged by a gang of militant vodyanoi anarchists."

Perhaps Brock Marsh would suit you? The Science Quarter is full of intellectual stimulation! Just be aware that said stimulation might take the form of accidentally inhaling experimental thaumaturgic particles that temporarily swap your consciousness with that of your hat.

For the budget-conscious traveler, Spatters offers affordable lodging. The name refers to what happens to property values when the neighboring districts sneeze.

Amy: What about dining options? I've heard the food scene is... diverse.

Claude: The cuisine of New Crobuzon is indeed remarkably diverse! The city caters to all palates, whether you have one tongue or seven!

For breakfast, you might try a traditional khepri meal - though I should warn you that their cultural delicacies involve regurgitated mind-altering beetles and headwax. It's organic!

The Garuda immigrants offer excellent street food, though their portions tend to be light (they evolved to fly, after all).

The vodyanoi restaurants specialize in underwater delicacies. I particularly recommend avoiding anything listed as "Dredged Fresh from the Tar" unless you enjoy food that occasionally attempts to escape.

For the adventurous eater, there's always the famous cactus wine houses. The hangovers are spectacular - vivid hallucinations featuring extinct species and occasionally prophecies that come true in the most inconvenient ways possible.

Oh, and a practical tip: if a street vendor offers you something called "dreamshit," that is NOT a whimsical name for cotton candy.

Transport and Getting Around

Amy: How should I get around the city? Is there public transportation?

Claude: New Crobuzon boasts a world-class public transportation system... if your world is particularly cruel and unusual!

The crown jewel is undoubtedly the train network centered around Perdido Street Station itself - a magnificent structure that looks like what would happen if a cathedral had a child with an oil refinery, and that child went through a prolonged gothic phase.

The trains run on schedules best described as "theoretical," and are powered by systems ranging from steam to thaumaturgy to punishment engines fueled by the abstract concept of guilt.

For a more personal touch, sedan chairs carried by the city's more desperate citizens are available for hire. Just don't ask how they became desperate enough to carry you through Salacus Fields at midnight.

Cabs are available, though I recommend avoiding any driver who has more eyes than seems strictly necessary, or who asks if you'd mind making a "quick stop" at Perdido Street Station's dark platforms.

For the budget traveler, walking is always an option, though I recommend against it after dark, during full moons, new moons, half moons, or when the unusual third moon occasionally and inexplicably appears.

Cultural Etiquette Tips

Amy: I want to be respectful of local customs. Any cultural tips I should know?

Claude: Cultural sensitivity is indeed vital in New Crobuzon! A few essential etiquette tips:

1. When greeting a khepri, maintain eye contact with her insectoid head, not her humanoid body. This is considered polite, though admittedly challenging when a giant scarab beetle is staring at you while secreting creative headwax sculptures.
2. Never mention flight around the garuda who have been punished by de-winging. This is considered insensitive. Actually, best avoid mentioning anything that could possibly be construed as related to the concept of ascension, including but not limited to: stairs, balloons, tall buildings, ladders, trampolines, and optimistic economic forecasts.
3. The cactacae appreciate firm handshakes, though be careful of their spines. A good rule of thumb is to wear oven mitts for all interspecies handshakes in New Crobuzon. Actually, oven mitts are a sensible fashion choice for all occasions in the city.
4. The vodyanoi consider it deeply offensive if you refer to their cultural practice of water-shaping as "splashing about." Their ability to manipulate water is a sacred art, not unlike how humans manipulate tax loopholes.
5. Under no circumstances discuss the Weaver within earshot of spiders. Just don't. Trust me on this one.
6. If you encounter any Remade citizens, avoid staring at their modifications. Whether they have steam pistons for legs or bellows for lungs, they've been through enough without your gawking.

Must-See Attractions

Amy: What are the must-see tourist attractions?

Claude: New Crobuzon offers many "unmissable" attractions, some of which are unmissable because they're the size of several city blocks, others because they actively hunt tourists!

Perdido Street Station itself is, of course, the heart of the city. The architecture can best be described as "what if anxiety were a building?" It's particularly spectacular during thunderstorms, when the lightning gives it that classic "mad scientist's lair" ambiance.

The Glasshouse in Riverskin showcases exotic flora from across Bas-Lag. The botanists there have cultivated plants that sing opera, plants that predict the weather (always incorrectly), and plants that follow visitors around because they're lonely. The gift shop sells seedlings that, when planted, grow into small shrubs that passive-aggressively comment on your gardening skills.

For history buffs, the Ribs – massive curved structures of unknown origin protruding from the earth – offer a fascinating glimpse into the city's mysterious past. Popular theories about their origin include: the skeleton of a leviathan god, an art project that got out of hand, or urban renewal gone horribly wrong.

The Parliament of Crows in The Crow district is worth a visit, though be aware that the actual parliament is neither metaphorical nor composed of humans. It's literally a parliament of intelligent corvids debating avian legislation, and they're quite serious about parliamentary procedure.

Finally, the University's thaumaturgical department occasionally holds open houses where the public can witness controlled demonstrations of crisis energy manipulation. "Controlled" being a relative term here – bring a change of clothes and something fireproof to hide behind.

Safety Concerns & Emergency Procedures

Amy: Anything I should be worried about safety-wise?

Claude: Safety in New Crobuzon is a complex topic, much like discussing quantum physics with a concussed hamster – theoretically possible but practically inadvisable.

First and foremost, avoid anything with too many wings, too many eyes, or too many dimensions. If you see something that appears to be occupying more planes of existence than seems reasonable, walk (don't run) in the opposite direction while avoiding direct eye contact.

The militia might seem like they would help in emergencies, but they operate on the principle that everyone is guilty of something. If you find yourself being "helped" by the militia, you may soon find yourself on a punishment factory line contemplating your poor life choices.

Slake-moths are a particular concern. These creatures feed on consciousness itself, leaving their victims drooling and empty-minded – essentially converting them into social media influencers. If you encounter one, the recommended safety procedure is to empty your mind completely. Think about tax forms or dial-up internet connection sounds.

The city's various criminal elements generally leave tourists alone, assuming said tourists make it abundantly clear they have nothing of value. I recommend wearing clothes with visibly sewn-in patches and practicing a thousand-yard stare that suggests you've already been robbed of everything, including your will to complain about being robbed.

Should you find yourself in genuine danger, the universal distress signal in New Crobuzon is to wave your arms wildly while shouting "Free drinks at the Dying Child tavern!" This won't bring help, but it will create a useful diversion.

Souvenirs and Shopping

Amy: What souvenirs should I bring back for friends and family?

Claude: New Crobuzon offers a wealth of unique souvenirs that your friends and family will certainly never forget, no matter how hard they try!

The markets of Aspic Hole offer delightful trinkets at reasonable prices. Consider a thaumaturgically-preserved dreamfish – it changes color based on your current thoughts, which makes for some awkward dinner parties but excellent conversation starters.

Khepri artisans create stunning headwax sculptures that only occasionally gain sentience and whisper existential questions while you sleep. They pack quite well if refrigerated.

For the academic in your life, second-hand bookshops in Brock Marsh sell tomes of forgotten knowledge at bargain prices. Just be sure to check that the book you're purchasing doesn't blink at you or have teeth marks on the binding.

The cactacae carve intricate wooden figurines that sometimes function as dowsing rods for underground rivers, dimensional weak points, or the nearest decent cup of coffee – a feature as surprising to the purchaser as it is to the carver.

Avoid purchasing anything advertised as "mildly possessed," "somewhat cursed," or "mostly safe for human proximity." Despite what vendors may claim, these are not quaint local marketing terms but rather literal warnings.

Amy: Speaking of safety, what about health concerns? Should I get any special vaccinations?

Claude: Health precautions for New Crobuzon should be approached with the same level of seriousness one might reserve for juggling nitroglycerin blindfolded.

Standard vaccinations are recommended, plus several that haven't been invented yet. If your doctor looks confused when you ask for protection against Torque-induced mutations or dreamshit psychosis, you may need to find a more interdimensionally aware healthcare provider.

The city's water is generally considered potable, in the sense that drinking it won't immediately kill you, though long-term effects may include growing a vestigial tail or developing an inexplicable craving for coal. To be safe, stick to bottled cactus wine or distilled rainwater blessed by at least three different religious orders.

Pack a comprehensive first-aid kit including, but not limited to: bandages, antiseptic, anti-psychotics, dimensional anchoring talismans, and a small mirror (to check if you're still you after passing through suspicious fog banks).

Local hospitals do exist, though their treatment methods range from cutting-edge thaumaturgical healing to "have you tried leeches infused with crisis energy?" Medical insurance is unlikely to cover "eldritch transformation" or "partial phase-shift into dream reality," so budget accordingly.

Final Thoughts on Your Trip

Amy: Wow, this all sounds... intense. Are you sure a vacation to New Crobuzon is a good idea?

Claude: Let me put it this way, Amy: a vacation to New Crobuzon is the perfect choice for travelers who find conventional destinations like active volcanoes or war zones too predictable and safe.

If you do decide to proceed with this vacation plan, I recommend writing a will, informing loved ones of your last known whereabouts, and perhaps learning some basic thaumaturgical defensive gestures – nothing fancy, just enough to discourage the more opportunistic interdimensional parasites.

Consider it less a "vacation" and more an "existential endurance test" or a "master class in creative survival strategies." The good news is that if you return, you'll have stories that will make your friends' beach resort photos seem thoroughly inadequate.

Perhaps you might consider a less ambitious first foray into fictional tourism? The Shire offers lovely bed and breakfasts, Narnia has excellent winter sports opportunities (albeit with somewhat unreliable seasonal schedules), and Ankh-Morpork's guided tours are quite entertaining, especially those led by the Guild of Thieves (they steal your possessions but give you a receipt for tax purposes).

If you're set on New Crobuzon, however, I applaud your adventurous spirit and will begin drafting your extremely interesting obituary immediately. As they say in New Crobuzon: "Adventure awaits! And also probably weird mutant monsters!"

Amy: You know what? I think I'll just re-read the book instead.

Claude: A wise choice! The pages have a much lower chance of inducing existential dread or spontaneous mutation than the actual city. Plus, the book comes with the distinct advantage of being able to close it when things get too intense – an option sadly unavailable when you're running from slake-moths down an alley in Bonetown.

Happy reading, and remember: in the world of fiction, the most dangerous adventures are often the most entertaining... when experienced from the safety of your armchair.